condemnation (part I)

The wind whipped through the trees above my head, drowning out all other sounds. The moon was a mere sliver of luminescence, only faintly casting it’s light on the cold evening. I had just finished work, and was walking down the campus mall back to my apartment. Almost nobody was in sight, since it was midnight on a school night. Only a single woman was walking towards me on the other end of the path, carrying a side bag and looking towards the ground.

That same day, I had published an article in the school newspaper about living as a closeted gay in a denomination of the Christian church that condemns homosexuality. It was a strange day. Although I fully expected the freedom that comes with publicly admitting who you are, there was also a sneaky trepidation around me that day. Who had read it? What did they think? Is this going to affect my friendships? I continually reminded myself throughout the day what my roommate had told me the night before.

“Every time you talk about it, you expect people to react so negatively. You should try to give them the benefit of the doubt.”

And he had been right the entire day. Lots of hugs. Some tears, but tears of happiness. So many congratulations. If you had seen me walking back to my dorm that night, there probably was a noticeable bounce in my step. It all just felt good.

I liked walking this way because if there were people out, I got to walk by them. That quick awkward glance and a smile is my opportunity to lift someone’s spirits if only for a fleeting moment with a smile and a hello. Sometimes we even talk for a bit. But it beats walking the other road by myself. Plus, this way I got to see the ocean.

The girl drew closer and closer. She looked up, and I saw the epiphany strike her eyes.

“Are you Zach Christy?”

“Yeah, I am!”

“You wrote the article today, didn’t you?”

“Yup, that was me.”

“I don’t know you, but I’ll be praying for your sins.”

WOW.


Like a dagger to the heart. I didn’t even know how to respond. I waited a few seconds, and stuttered an alright before staggering forward, and past her. I suppose the euphoric reactions of everyone I encountered all day had erased the expectations I had the night before, the same expectations that had just played out in front of me. My sins? Hadn’t I tried to explain that being gay isn’t a choice in my article? Didn’t she realize that I wasn’t being gay to spite the church, to spite God? How could she say such a thing to me?

My mind was flashing as I continued walking. Short-lived moments of confusion, fugitive feelings of anger, even brief touches of sadness. They all melted into each other to create an awkward clumsiness. I fumbled to unlock the door to my apartment. I walked in, feigned a quick smile to my roommates still awake, and went into my room. I threw my bag on my bed, and went to the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked different than I remembered myself looking before. I looked uncomfortable, shaken maybe.

Did I also look like a sinner?

Who knows. I switched on the shower, and stood there, only faintly feeling the water run down my head. I realized that it was only a matter of time before someone here reacted that way. I had experienced those reactions already, but they were always apologetic, saying that they couldn’t understand the choices I was making and needed time to process. This girl was so upfront and bold with her condemnation.

“I don’t know you, but I’ll be praying for your sins.”

condemnation (part II)

Posted on by Sean Lewis in Voices

One Response to condemnation (part I)

  1. Humanwalker

    “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” (John 3:17).

    Who are we to call others sinners? Every time we point to the Other we forget who we are and we commit the sin of not understanding the Other. We become trapped in our own condemnation then. Negligence of the Other is one of the greatest sin! It is underestimated!
    Simplicity of comprehension is the crime of the simplest.
    Nobody can speak in the name of God, simply because we do not comprehend God and Nature. We can only live in reality and record that sexuality orientation is not a choice (to rape is! And accusing lightly the others of sinning is a rape wrapped with words). Therefore, it is also part of God’s plan for humans and a subtlety of Nature itself.
    Yes, we all need to be saved!
    Saved from abuses from others and from entourage.
    Saved from miscomprehension.
    Saved from people who say they speak in the name of God.
    Saved from our false convictions and insurance of rightness.
    Saved from our wrong understandings of who we are.

    It is THROUGH Christ that we are saved! He is the master of salvation.
    And He does this by instilling his love inside us and reminding us that: “Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven–for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” (Luke 7:47).

    Therefore, go and Love only, restrain from condemnation!
    To me the condemnation says God! To us … Love as a seed …

    In Zach Christie we recognize the carier of Christ and his desire to understand the love God has in reserve for him: he is the Christo-pher! Never doubt of yourself when you know who you are. Words do not define who we really are and sexual identity is just another label. You are humans walking among humans, of which many are blinds leading blinds … But your mission is to walk in the Light and to share the light you have seen to the others still walking in darkness… Each of us need to walk the way to Damas!

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